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(Bonus Episode) ASK DEREK-How Do I Forgive ‘Bad’ People?

ASK DEREK-How Do I Forgive 'Bad' People

Forgiveness is such a loaded subject, partly because we don’t really understand what forgiveness means, and that there are multiple levels of forgiveness.

The most primary level is a sort of superiority; it’s very much an ego-driven thing.  At this level, you, to some extent, recognize that unforgiveness is unuseful; there’s some level of recognizing that holding a grudge is painful and it’s not helping you.

The second level is when you’re willing to no longer withhold from another individual.   At stage, when you think about forgiving someone, there’s some degree of either neutrality, or maybe even a degree of love, (or at least wanting the best for them) even though there may still be a little bit of a sting, because you’re still seeing them as having done you wrong.

That’s a very powerful step, but it’s still not the truest meaning of forgiveness, however, it’s very advantageous and preferable to the alternative.

Here’s something to understand: Forgiveness is primarily for you.  If you are withholding love or blessings from somebody else, no matter what, you are actually blocking your own channel of flow.

From the Emergence model we understand that whatever is missing is what I’m not giving. If I’m withholding love, gratitude, and joy from anyone or anything, at any time, that much love, gratitude and joy cannot flow into my life.

Listen to the podcast episode above for the full explanation and learn how you can put it to work in your life TODAY.

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Full Transcript

[The following is the full transcript of this episode of the Emergence, A Revolutionary Path for Radical Life Change, with Derek Rydall Podcast]

Welcome to another episode of Ask Derek, as I am your guide on the side instead of the sage on the stage, where we’re learning the deep dive principles of Emergence which is by understanding the underlying principles that really govern successful living and really the inside out way of living. Knowing that you’ve already got it all within you, Emergence shows you how to get it out, how to bring out that genius, that abundance, that potential in a way that is organic, that is natural. In this series of podcasts, Ask Derek, what we’re doing is taking some of the most commonly asked questions and challenges, so that we can answer them directly to you. If you have a question you’d like me to answer, just make sure you register for the podcast on iTunes, pop over to our blog at derekrydall.com and register for the blog, and then post your questions, as many as you want. Then, I’ll be picking from these different questions and, over time, beginning to answer as many of them as possible. I look forward to hearing your questions and to answering them.

In this particular episode, we’re answering the question How do I forgive bad people? Forgiveness is such a loaded subject, partly because we don’t really understand what forgiveness means and that there are multiple levels, at least three levels, of forgiveness. The first level is, Well, they’re bad person and I’m better than that, so I’m going to forgive them. Right? That’s the first most primary level. It’s a sort of superiority; it’s very much an ego-driven thing. It, to some extent, recognizes that unforgiveness is unuseful. As the old saying goes, Not forgiving somebody and thinking that’s going to hurt them is like drinking poison and thinking it’s going to kill them. Maybe there’s some level of recognizing that holding a grudge is painful; it’s not helping you. Your way of forgiveness is sort of, Well, they’re bad. They did me wrong, but that’s just them. I’m better than that, so I’m going to forgive them. I’m not going to hold to grudge. That’s one level. Now, it’s certainly preferable than having absolutely no forgiveness – continuing to hold the grudge, continuing to be angry – although that level of forgiveness still harnesses and harbors the level of anger and resentment. It’s just not as active.

The second level is Well, they did me wrong, but I’m going to be spiritual or more conscious, and I’m going to forgive them. I’m going to learn to find some level of release, some level of relief. I am even maybe going to want the best for them, because that is an element of forgiveness. If you look at the word forgive, to be forgiving is the opposite of to not be for giving, in other words, withholding. The word giving is key there. When you’re willing to no longer withhold from another individual, that’s a process of forgiving. You’re literally saying, I’m willing to bless you or I’m willing to want the best for you. I hope you figure your stuff out, and good luck and good riddance. I’m not going to hold the grudge. I’m going to think peaceful, positive thoughts when I think about you. That’s a very, very powerful step. That begins to purify the negative energy that you are holding onto. That begins to release the poison in your system, but it’s still not the truest meaning of forgiveness, again, very, very advantageous, very preferable to the alternative, which is to not forgive or to merely hold the superior stance which still contains anger and lots of ego.

This stage, at least you are, when you think about them, there’s some degree of either neutrality, or maybe even a degree of love, or at least wanting the best for them, even though there may still be, and usually is, a little bit of a sting underneath that, because you’re still seeing them as having done you wrong. You’re still holding that story. You’re still holding that perception, and so even if you put something on top of it, such as I want the best for them, and you make it feel a little bit better, and you’re not proactively or actively engaging in anger and resentment, there’s still a perception that they did you wrong, that you are wronged. That’s still there, okay?

Again, it’s better than the alternative, and it does begin to keep your channels more open, because here’s a thing to understand: Forgiveness is primarily for you, because if you are withholding love or blessing from somebody else, no matter what, no matter what, you are actually blocking the channel of your own flow. You see, wherever you don’t let love flow out of you, in that place, love can’t flow into your life. The life force can’t flow out of you to prosper your own life, and it also can’t flow into you, so you’re literally blocking your own flow, and that results in stagnation. That stagnated energy shows up in your life as forms of death, whether it’s emotional, mental, or often financial. When you begin to open those channels again, and you realize that I want to be in love, I want to be in joy, I want to be in peace, no matter what or who pops in to my mind or my experience, I want to live in an atmosphere of love. I’m going to radiate only love, and only joy, and only peace, and only gratitude in all directions, not at first for anybody else’s good, so that that’s the atmosphere I live in.

Because from the Emergence model now, I’m understanding that whatever is missing is what I’m not giving. If I’m withholding love and gratitude and joy from anyone or anything at any time, that much love and gratitude and joy cannot get into my life. Do you follow? I’m blocking my abundance. I’m going to love. I’m going to shine. I’m going to be an unconditional instrument of love and gratitude, come what may. If you step into my field of love and gratitude, you’ll be blessed, and that’s good for you. First and foremost, I’m doing it for me. Then, you begin to extend it and realize that everybody else is an extension of you, is a dimension of you. The more you love and bless and give to them, the more you are literally circulating the good into other dimensions of yourself. What you give to another is like taking something from your right hand and putting it in your left hand. It’s still yours, and in fact, it multiplies. You start to really realize that it’s the benefit for you and for everybody just to love and to bless and tobe grateful and to multiply the blessings. If they’re not available or receptive to it, they may or may not experience the benefit of it, but it won’t prevent you from experiencing the benefit. That’s a very powerful level of forgiveness. That’s usually as far as anybody ever goes. If that’s as far as you go, you’ve gone a long way, okay? That just means constantly praying and intending to completely forgive everybody and everything on every level, especially and including yourself, to love and bless everybody and to want for everybody the highest good especially and including yourself. That begins to creating an environment and atmosphere of unconditional love and unconditional flow, okay? Very, very important, very, very powerful.

You can begin to practice and pray and intend that, regardless of how you feel, as a mantra, as a forgiveness bath or shower that you take every day at the end of every day. Over time, you will begin to notice that when you think of that person, there’s less and less of a charge, and then eventually, it hits a point of neutrality. You just don’t feel anything, and then it starts to go into the positive territory. You actually think of them and you feel a sense of love, compassion, understanding, patience, etc., the various shades of love. You can also, if you need a little support in this, you can ask questions like praying to God or to your spirit or whatever guidance, give me, show me how to forgive them or forgive them through me; I myself can’t do it. Why should I forgive them? What are five really good reasons why I should completely release this and totally bless them and forgive them? What are five or ten things about them that are really positive and good? What are five or ten things about my relationship with them that are really positive and good? What are five or 10 things about even the experience that are positive or good? What’s the blessing? What are the lessons? What is the value here?

As you begin to actually have moments where you go, Well, they did steal from me, but, wow, they were certainly creative in how they did it. It was absolutely creative of them. It was incredibly clever.Or, They did cheat on me, but at least they were going for what they needed. I know in my own life, I don’t do that. I don’t approve the way they did it. They were dishonest. They were out of integrity, but where in my own life do I want it, want more? Maybe even in that situation, I knew things were not right, but I didn’t address it, so now they’re letting me see that. I had a part in this. As you begin to look to see what was my part in it, how did I not honor my own guidance, what’s the blessing, what’s the lesson, what’s the gift here, then you start to unpack and discover positive things about them, positive things about the experience. You start to requalify and reframe the experience. This is where you move into the third level of forgiveness.

This is where you begin to discover that, spiritually speaking, there is only one life and one activity going on everywhere, and it’s an activity of love and of creativity, and of fulfillment, of ever expressing, ever expanding life expression. There’s one infinite life that is absolute good, and that is forever unfolding. As it unfolds and it bumps into areas and pockets of lack, limitation, separation, it manifests as crises, challenges, problems: people hurting us, betraying us, all of the dramas of the human experience. The deeper meaning of that problem or challenge is that we’ve been living in a world too small, that we’ve been trying to manage our life in a world that is too small for who we really are, who we want to be, what we’ve prayed or affirmed, or called into being. We wanted to be in this certain kind of relationship, but we wanted to be a certain kind of person, but we weren’t really consciously and actively pursuing that. We weren’t cleaning up our own side of the street, or we weren’t fully being conscious in integrity and honoring ourselves in some way, and the situation happened. At first, we felt like a victim of it, but upon deeper reflection, we realize it’s happening to wake us up, to crack us up out of our old shells, to shake out the old structures, to make us see where we’ve been living a lie or living too small or living out of integrity with our soul or not living true to our higher vision. We see that, in fact, everything is always conspiring for our evolution, just as certain trees require a forest fire for them to crack open their seed pods and germinate. Sometimes our own life does as well, and it looks like people doing us wrong.

If Judas didn’t do what Judas did to Jesus, Jesus couldn’t have fulfilled Jesus’ mission. For many people that hated President Bush, but loved President Obama, if you look at the conditions that were created because of the administration of Bush, that was the very condition that made it possible for Obama to be elected. As terrible or negative as you may think it was, it was a precursor. It created the forest fire, the condition that made Obama possible. On and on throughout history you see this to be the case, and you see it individually as well as collectively. You see it in industries. You see it in many areas where necessity becomes the mother of invention. Pain, struggle, conflict, challenge, heartbreak, breakdown –becomes the very condition that leads to the breakthrough. Now, I’m not saying that there’s a spiritual principle that says we have to suffer, but I am saying in this dimension that tends to be one of the ways that we break through, especially if we’re in resistance.

The highest level of forgiveness is the realization that this is going on, but there is a greater wholeness always trying to break through. This other individual is really an aspect of your own life, your own soul. There really a soulmate with a sacred contract to play a part for your own awakening. In reality, nobody was hurt. In Reality, there is no victim and no victimizer. In Reality, they were playing their part so that you could play yours. Now, for some of you, that’s going to feel like a bitter pill to swallow. I want to be very clear, I am not condoning any destructive behavior. If somebody hurts or attacks, or is violent, or robs, steals, rapes, plunders, etc., none of those actions are condonable. We’re not condoning them, but we are willing to dig deeper and realize that there’s a chaotic process going on, which is a word that means behind chaos; there is a bigger order.

Behind the most human aberrations, there is a spiritual aspiration trying to break through. We’re willing to be mature enough spiritually and intellectually to look for the deeper pattern, the bigger pattern, the larger order, and then to come into alignment with that. If we want to grow, if we want to be free, and if we want to be leaders of greater freedom in our individual and collective lives, then that’s the path we must take. It doesn’t mean we condone people. If somebody is violent and dangerous to themselves or others, they need to be put in jail. Let me be very clear about that, but even while we may close the bars on their door, we do not close the door of our heart. We continue to love them. We continue to know the truth about them. We continue to serve in their own and wherever we are called for their own freedom; we can do both. We can not condone bad behavior and still love. What a noble idea. We can not condone bad behavior and be very strong and be very forthright and say, That is not okay. That is absolutely unacceptable, or whatever the consequence maybe, I will not do business with you anymore, because you are not in integrity; you did not honor this agreement, or I will not be with you because you did this, or I will call the police and you will go to jail, etc., etc. At the same time, love them, love ourselves, seek the higher truth about the situation so that it becomes evolutionary and healing for us at least and maybe for family, and maybe for them. Keep the doors of our heart open regardless of we have to close some of the doors of our human experience, on a relationship, on a business deal, or whatever.

We can do both. The highest level of forgiveness allows us to do both, and that’s the path of real mastery and real freedom. You really can love everybody unconditionally. It’s what I call having a heart of gold but a soul of steel. This is what real forgiveness looks like. Some people that’s why they are afraid to forgive; they think if I forgive the other person, I’m condoning. No. Again, this is not something I would go and speak to the masses necessarily, because in the hands of an unconscious person they could think that I’m giving permission for them to go do something wrong, and then just rationalize it. That’s not what I’m saying. You can absolutely hold people accountable, hold them in integrity, hold them to agreement, have consequences, and love and forgive and have compassion. Compassion is an understanding of their lack of understanding. That’s what I’m calling into, and then it leads you into the deeper meaning of your life, the deeper meaning of your life’s experiences, the deeper Divine purpose and ultimate potential.

How do you forgive bad people? You ultimately realize there are no bad people. There are people that had become caught, that had become unconscious, that are caught by societal values of lack, limitation, and fear, that have become aberrant, twisted in their own mental concepts and perceptions and are acting those fears and limitations out in the world because they’re asleep; they’re caught up in a nightmare. Forgive them for they know not what they do, even if humanly they know. They’re asleep. They’re unconscious. They’re not bad in their soul, even if they’re expressing bad. The word evil is live backwards. All evil actions are when somebody is operating in opposition or reverse of life principles, and they’re only doing that because that’s how they’ve been conditioned. We begin to understand that. We begin to have compassion for that. We allow that to transform us and heal us, and grow us. We have compassion and love and forgiveness for them. We seek in whatever capacity we are called to have educate and transform them, redeem them and ourselves, taking full responsibility for our part in it. At the same time, we hold them accountable with consequences.

This is the path of radical forgiveness. Ultimately, as I said, we realize that all of this is for our own growth and evolution, that all of the enemies in our world are really within our own consciousness. This is what Jesus meant when he said, Forgive your enemies seventy times seven which basically means until you no longer have to, and he said, The enemy is in your own household which is esoteric or metaphysical metaphor for your consciousness, your mind or your soul. All the enemies are within us. As we fall in love with forgive and integrate all of our internal enemies, there’s no longer being projected onto the world. We no longer draw that into our experience. If we do, that’s an opportunity for us to grow and to heal, or to be a healing influence.

I hope this has helped you to begin to understand forgiveness in a deeper, richer way, and to maybe even be a little inspired to start up leveling your practice of forgiveness. To get more support, please, one of the best most powerful programs to work with these parts of you, the enemies within you is the Shadow Dancing program that we offer. You can go to derekrydall.com and get that. You can get a free download to begin working on your shadow if you go to derekrydall.com/shadowprocess. You can also just go to the resource section, get other free support and trainings. If you don’t have my book, Emergence, or even if you do and you want to get another copy, you can go to getemergencebook.com and when you get a copy through there, you are going to get about almost $1800 in free bonuses and trainings, including some light support to really apply these principles. Please register for the podcast. Share it with a friend, the loved one, the client, if you’re finding this hopeful, inspiring, educating. Until next time. Remember to live authentically, love unconditionally and follow your destiny.

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